Day 5- whoo hooo down 6.2 pounds

    I ate more yesterday than the last few days but still in my prescribed calorie range. 1598 calories yesterday. I swam at the gym for 35 minutes. But I did not do the breast stroke as much because I was tired and it takes so much out of me. I started my period.grrr. It always happens when I start loosing weight. The release of the stored estrogen in the fat makes me bleed. And sadly if past experiance is a idea of what is to come it wont stop anytime soon. And My leggs ache wich happens when I start my period so I am going to have to work through this because I really want to loose weight.

   Today is raining cats and dogs. So no outdoor walking today. But I did find some exercise videos on netflix streaming and I want to do some today. I tried pilates once but it was a fast paced one and it was not happening. My sister still laughs at me over that attempt. But I saw some begginers yoga videos I want to try. One for pain relief so you can guess wich one I am going to do today! I am on the fence about the gym today but with the rain the kids will probably drive me up the wall to the point I WANT to go LOL.


                                                 XOXO
                                                     Jodi

 

Day 4 - trail and error plus some victory'

     OK so yesterday I had a good day. I ate around 1100 calories and walked for 30 minutes and swam for 35 minutes. I did not eat in the middle of the night which is my habit I am working on. I caved and weighed myself this AM. I wanted to only weigh my self once a week so I would not get frustrated with the usual ups and downs of weigh loss. But I did loose 4.8lbs.whooo hooo. I ate some jack in the box grilled chicken strips (250 calories) Before my work out and I did much better than the prior night. And in a funny change of events after my work out I was not hungry. Those chicken strips had fewer calories than the salad I planned to eats LOL. I drank a glass of milk and called it a night. Except I could not sleep!!! I tried and tried and only slept in fits and spurts grrr.

    This morning I am going to have 2 egg whites on a piece of whole wheat toast with some salsa on top. And orange, a glass of milk and a cup of tea. I had it for breakfast yesterday and it kept me full till lunch and was enjoyable.

    There is not rain for today but will be rain for tomorrow so I am taking the kids to the park today while I walk and gym tonight. I have been making dinner for when hubby gets home he can eat it and feed the kids while I am at the gym. Problem is he has not ben doing that then I am feeding my kids at 8:00pm and he is not eating. So I think I am going to feed them first then go. Even if it means I leave a bit later. All trial and error I guess.LOL


                                             xoxo
                                                   Jodi

Day 3- And my first step into self introspection

     Well yesterday  I ate well. Mostly fruits and veggies and was in my calorie range. I went to the gym and swam 30 minutes. I didn't have the same  energy as the day before though so I think this time I am going to tweak my eating a bit so that I have a descent snack prior to going and see if I have more energy to swim. Last night felt like I was barely getting by. I had to stop 5 times and when I was swimming it felt like I was using all my energy and only going half as fast as the prior night. Oh well live and learn.

   I also went for a walk with my children yesterday at our local nature trail. It was finally not raining and I needed to get them out of the house. It was a nice little bonus calorie burn and the kids burned energy. Today is not going to rain either so I think we will do something similar today. We will see if my friend wants to go with me today. It would be nice to have some adult company.

    Now I decided going in that I needed to take a good look at the things I do that keep me in this place. And in many ways I think I sabotage myself to keep myself hidden from the world. I had a hard childhood. My father died when I was 5 years old. I was put in to foster care a short time later and was subsequently sexually abused in 2 different homes. I have thought a lot about the way my thinking was changed because of it. And in many ways irrationally. For example as a child I think I ate to suffocate the bad memories and emotions. But then I kept doing it long after my fear was apparent on the surface. I think I have kept my self big as a way of making my self invisible. By invisible I mean that if I am big who would want to rape me. Would a predator choose me or the skinny woman. Probably the skinny woman she would be easier to take down right? So I need to remind myself that I am safe now when I find myself wanting to stuff my face. Being invisible to a threat that doesn't exist anymore is continuing to let the perpetrators from the past victimise me. No more.

      Now on a positive note I have a bad habit of eating in the middle of the night. Started when I worked nights and even now that I don't my body gets hungry in the middle of the night and I find myself eating when I wake up. To go to the bathroom, get a drink of water or get the baby a bottle. But last night I made a conscious effort to not eat while up and I succeeded. Whoa hooo for me. LOL.


                                            xoxo
                                               Jodi

Day two; Deep introspection

Last night when my husband got home I went off to the gym. It was a rainy day and the kids had me up the wall so I was happy to leave. They will be the reason this works LOL. Not just because I want to be around longer for them but because getting a little alone time is a BIG motivator. My son is 8 and daughter is 18 months. Those two are a handful. And it has Ben raining. Last night I went to the gym for the first time in 4 years. It is a new gym very nice. I did not feel as awkward as I used to feel and I am a good 70lbs heavier. Funny how age can help you feel more comfortable in your skin regardless of how big that skin may be.

           I had to use a bathing suit so I settle on one from walmart for $33. It is a black and white flowered tankini with one for those bottoms with the built in skirt. The skirt was a bit of a joke, only covered half of my ample rear end but it did cover the front so it is fine. I swam 30 minutes. Then I decided to stop. I has already gotten a cramp in my side and I don't want to over do it and quit. I feel ok today so I am going to add 5-10 minutes and see what happens. My goal is to be swimming 60 minutes.

 

            Today is looking like it might not rain this afternoon so I might go for a walk with a friend if she is up for it. I need the kids to play. They are going stir crazy and mom can t take it LOL. There is a park in my city that has the circumference marked so one round is 1/2 of a mile so it is easy to gage how much you walked. And in the middle is the play are for the kids. So my big kid plays with his friends and the baby's get pushed in the stroller. There is also a nature trail that runs along the river and I believe that is a 5 mile long trail So I might go their also. I am actually not that out of shape I walk a ton with no big problem and I was able to swim for the most part with out a problem. I just don't seem to move enough for my food intake.

 

          So I know i planned to not focus on my food intake yet. But a funny thing happens when you work out. I find myself not wanting comfort food and wanting more healthful stuff. So I opened my sparkpeople.com account and picked my meal plan for this week. And am going to give it a go. It is free and they do the hard work for me by picking meals and snacks that fit in to my desired goals structure. I just put in my goal and what I am willing to do exercise wise and they spit out a calories range and required calories burned prescription. Then you just log on and input the info and it tells you if you are in your goals range for that day, week and even has charts for seeing your progress, See you tomorrow.

                                                                   xoxo Jodi

Day 1- The first steps to me

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
                                        Albert Einstein

     Hello, my name is Jodi. I am a 28 year old mother of two. A wife of one amazing man. And a child of a truly awesome creator. I am also 363lbs. Now I have to say I want to loose weight, but not for the same reasons I hear when I look in to the media over and over again. Normally we see these people who look in the mirror and desperately hate them self's. I don't. I love who I am. I don't look in the mirror and feel repulsed. When I see my self in passing windows I am always a little surprised because I don't feel the way I look that's for sure. LOL. But even then I don't feel repulsion or hate or disgrace. I immediately straighten my posture up and put a smile on my face and keeping walking.

     But time takes a toll and the weight is not only a strange reminder that inside my own self is a person who the world never sees because she is covered in over 200lbs of layers. But that those layers are causing real damage that is causing harm to my family and impeding on my quality of life. I have arthritis in my right ankle from an injury 12 years ago that hurts mightily at night. The doctors are very quick to push drugs and I am not going to take them. So weight needs to go ASAP. I am way too young to hurt like this. Also with being 28 years old I hope to have many decades ahead of my and that wont happen  at this weight.

    My worse enemy is my perfectionism. I want to do it all perfect the first time. So I end up quitting before any real achievement can be attained. This time around I am going to do a few things differently. First off I am going to not start with food intake and star with exercise. When I was a teen and I was at y smallest this is how I reached it. I moved every opportunity I had. I did watched what I ate but i did not track it and I felt I lost weight the easiest that way. I am going to do this again. Giving my self a hard and fast line on how much I can eat and obsessing about it all day by tracking it only makes me want to eat more. So I am not going to do it.

        Tonight I am going to the gym for the first time in 4 years. My husband will watch the children when he gets home and I am leaving. I will get to do my exercise with out the kids to worry about and will get a break from them. I am actually looking forward to that. I look forward to telling you how it went.
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                                                              xoxo
                                                                  Jodi