Day 3- And my first step into self introspection

     Well yesterday  I ate well. Mostly fruits and veggies and was in my calorie range. I went to the gym and swam 30 minutes. I didn't have the same  energy as the day before though so I think this time I am going to tweak my eating a bit so that I have a descent snack prior to going and see if I have more energy to swim. Last night felt like I was barely getting by. I had to stop 5 times and when I was swimming it felt like I was using all my energy and only going half as fast as the prior night. Oh well live and learn.

   I also went for a walk with my children yesterday at our local nature trail. It was finally not raining and I needed to get them out of the house. It was a nice little bonus calorie burn and the kids burned energy. Today is not going to rain either so I think we will do something similar today. We will see if my friend wants to go with me today. It would be nice to have some adult company.

    Now I decided going in that I needed to take a good look at the things I do that keep me in this place. And in many ways I think I sabotage myself to keep myself hidden from the world. I had a hard childhood. My father died when I was 5 years old. I was put in to foster care a short time later and was subsequently sexually abused in 2 different homes. I have thought a lot about the way my thinking was changed because of it. And in many ways irrationally. For example as a child I think I ate to suffocate the bad memories and emotions. But then I kept doing it long after my fear was apparent on the surface. I think I have kept my self big as a way of making my self invisible. By invisible I mean that if I am big who would want to rape me. Would a predator choose me or the skinny woman. Probably the skinny woman she would be easier to take down right? So I need to remind myself that I am safe now when I find myself wanting to stuff my face. Being invisible to a threat that doesn't exist anymore is continuing to let the perpetrators from the past victimise me. No more.

      Now on a positive note I have a bad habit of eating in the middle of the night. Started when I worked nights and even now that I don't my body gets hungry in the middle of the night and I find myself eating when I wake up. To go to the bathroom, get a drink of water or get the baby a bottle. But last night I made a conscious effort to not eat while up and I succeeded. Whoa hooo for me. LOL.


                                            xoxo
                                               Jodi